I’ve noticed that people who read this website often get confused with the term bargaining in the grieving process. You know that I have already wrote about it, but today I’ve decided to explain it in a bit more detailed manner.
Numerous times I’ve said that every grieving journey is different. Yet, one thing is the same for everyone – there will come a moment where you may begin to feel a shift.
After months of or years of pain, sorrow, and emotional exhaustion, something inside you starts whispering that maybe—just maybe—things could somehow be made right again. You might find yourself replaying moments in your mind, searching for answers that don’t exist. You start questioning everything: Could I have done something differently? Was this really meant to happen? Is there some bigger meaning behind all of this?
There are also many smaller questions related to the daily life, like can I change my job so I have less stress in the grieving process, or how to set healthier boundaries with people who surround me.
You may even begin to think about destiny. About fate. About whether all this pain was written somewhere before it even began. This is the essence of what we often refer to as the bargaining stage of grief.
The traditional stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are often presented as linear. But in reality, grief doesn’t follow a clean, predictable path. Through both my personal journey and years of speaking with other bereaved parents, I’ve come to understand that grief moves in waves. Sometimes it regresses. Sometimes it jumps ahead
Bargaining May Come In A Form Of The Search for “What If”
Once the intensity of anger starts to fade—a phase that can last anywhere from a few months to even a year—you may find yourself entering the stage of bargaining.
This is the period when you begin trying to make sense of the pain. You may wish deeply to change the past. You might think things like, If only I had done this… If only we had seen the signs sooner… Or you might begin to believe in a higher power’s plan, hoping that there was a reason—any reason—for what happened. It’s a deeply emotional time, but also one that marks a subtle shift toward reflection, growth, and the slow rebuilding of hope.
A Time to Reorganize Life
This is also the stage where some parents start to imagine life moving forward, even if it’s still painful to do so. You may be exhausted from sadness, tired of anger, and ready—however hesitantly—to take your first steps toward daily functionality again. You might consider going back to work. Maybe you’re eating a bit more regularly. Perhaps you’ve started to talk openly about your grief, or even sought therapy. This can be a very lonely part of your grieving journey because others may start to think that you should have already moved forward.
Healing doesn’t happen in grand moments. It happens in small, often invisible, acts of courage.
Focus on What You Can Control
When grief consumes your life, everything can feel out of order. The desire to “fix it all” becomes overwhelming, especially in the bargaining stage, where your mind is constantly spinning in search of resolution.
But here’s something important to remember: You don’t need to fix everything all at once.
Psychologists agree that it’s healthier to focus on one thing at a time. Want to eat better? Start with breakfast. Struggling with sleep? Try adjusting your bedtime by 30 minutes. The key is progress, not perfection.
And when setbacks happen—and they will—don’t give up entirely. You are allowed to make mistakes on this journey. What matters most is that you forgive yourself and try again when you’re ready.
Revisiting the Past
Don’t be alarmed if, during this stage, old feelings of anger return. Many parents report that bargaining is not a neat or isolated phase. It overlaps with others. It loops. You may think about the past often—what went wrong, what might have changed the outcome. These thoughts are painful, yes, but they’re also natural. They’re part of your mind’s way of trying to process the unimaginable.
As you go through the bargaining stage, you may also begin to wonder: What will the future look like without my child? Read more about facing big dates during the bargaining phase, as they can be overwhelming.
What Comes Next: Guilt
While bargaining brings a touch of reflection and even hope, the next phase—guilt—can feel like a heavy storm. It’s one of the hardest stages for bereaved parents, and we will explore it next. But please know this: you are not alone. We’re here to walk beside you, to hold space for your pain, and to help you through even the darkest nights.
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