Now when the years have passed, I wanted to create a personal reflection on how it was at the very beginning. I hope this can be useful for people who have most recently lost someone they loved with their whole hearts.
I am not sure if I can tell that the first stage was the hardest, but it definitely was the stage in which we were feeling completely lost.
Trying to live by taking one breath at a time, I remember those days with a bit of confusion. Ultimate waves of grief were followed by moments of strength, which I believe is the most important to mention, so people who are starting their grief journey won’t try to give up already.
You know how it goes – the world doesn’t just shift after losing a loved one, it literally collapses.
Back in the time, I found myself completely unaware about what such a loss can bring. People who have experienced this know that it affects literally every single aspect of your life, including your own physical health.
Silence mixed with shock
How did the first month go? You can guess that those were just moments of shock followed by the darkest silence. You wake up in the morning and have to remind yourself again about what really happened – yet one more day trying to accept that.
The nights weren’t better either. If you can sleep, then you’ll experience a lot of nightmares, but insomnia was common as well. After a while, I caught myself oversleeping, probably to escape reality, but also because grief brought so much tiredness with itself, like your entire body was hurting. I still do oversleep until this very day.
Then, you have to face those who are surrounding you, and they won’t be doing well either. On our website, we have already wrote about what bereaved parents don’t want to hear in the first phase of their loss.
Approximately, after around 3 months, the shock may start to wear off a bit, and then I experienced deeper sadness. This period may look quitter to others who are surrounding you, but it’s definitely heavier. When you even try to laugh, it will be followed by the feeling of guilt.
6 months passed, and that’s when you’ll see shifts in everything in your life. Many relationships will change, some will end completely, you may even change or quit your job, or turn to an addiction to escape the reality.
Then, the big dates came. Big dates – big triggers. Holidays, special days in the year, and the worst – your child’s birthday. You are probably feeling very lonely on these days, and watching others celebrate makes it even emptier.
Finding a community was really helpful. I have met a lot of great people who were going through the grieving process after losing their child and talking to them was of tremendous value.
Grief is never linear. In the year 1, you may feel like going back to the start again, and that will probably repeat for many times.
To anyone reading this who’s in the early days of loss: I see you. I honor your pain. And I promise you — not that it will get better quickly, or that time will erase anything — but that you will learn how to live again. In your way. In your time…
If you have a family member or a friend who has recently lost a child, discover how you can help them and provide support with these 9 steps.
