Denial

After the first stage of your grieving process pass (we have already talked about it – shock), you’ll realize that you are still feeling very confused. What’s going on with your feelings?

Now, you’re not in shock anymore and know that the tragedy that has happened is actually real, yet your mind and body just don’t want to accept such tragedy. That’s when you enter the denial stage.

What’s weird about the denial stage is that you’ll know exactly what happened, yet you may find yourself completely confused and experience these things:

1. Waking up in the morning feels different. If your child that you’ve lost was a bit older, you, like other families, had your own habits. Even morning family breakfast can be too much to handle. When you wake up in the morning, you’ll usually get very confused because your child is missing and no longer with you.
   When it comes to advice, I will as always tell you that you have to create a daily routine. Yes, I know, it will probably have to be a very different routine than the one you had before. But this will help to survive the day and get through the denial stage.
2. Still worrying about your child. What not many people talk about, but grieving parents know it very well – you’ll still worry about your child and where they are, even when they are not with you anymore. You simply don’t stop being a parent even when your child is not alive. And that’s completely okay.
   Some of the most common questions and sentences that will come to your mind may include:
   • Are they cold?
   • Are they feeling calm and safe now?
   • Where is their soul?
3. Thinking where they are… It doesn’t matter what your religion is or isn’t, you will probably start thinking about whether your child can see you or hear you now when they’re gone. There’s nothing wrong with practicing anything that can help you. If you like talking to your lost child – do it. Tell them how much you love them and how much you miss them. Expressing your feelings through art is also a good idea. 
4. Graveyard. A lot of people will tell you that you shouldn’t visit your child’s grave very often. This may feel very weird to you, and it is – what I want to tell you is that you should behave in a way that suits you. Personally, I’ve gone to the graveyard every single day (sometimes even a few times on a daily basis). I felt the urge to go there. My grieving friends who also lost their children went to the graveyard very often as well.
   *Respect your partner’s emotions if they don’t want to practice the same things as you do. Apply the same for other family members and especially children.
   This is so important because you’ll need some space to express your emotions. Most people like to be left alone and suffer the most in silence and all alone. Seeking things how they are will help you accept the reality faster. Of course, make your own tempo, everyone is different. Don’t force yourself about anything. Grieving process is a personal thing. 

5. Accepting what happened. This is still a very shocking period for you and you’ll probably feel very lost and misunderstood. Be gentle with yourself as much as you can. Try to ignore negative comments that may come from other people. 

   Once the denial phase is over and you completely understand that days go by and your child is not coming back, that’s when the third phase of grief strikes – anger. This is a dangerous and complicated phase, but I promise you – with some good advice, you’ll handle it a bit better.