Big dates - big triggers

Big dates - big triggers

By: Hermita
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Big dates - big triggers

We know that the grieving process is truly hard by itself, but it is even harder on those dates where the reality hits the hardest.

While talking with other parents who have lost a child, I've found out that almost every one of them considers following days in a year to be the hardest ones to handle:


1. The date when your child died. This is definitely the hardest day, and you'll literally try everything just to survive it and make it pass. And while some parents want to spend the entire day at the graveyard, others will try to make themselves busy with a purpose to occupy the mind and fight the bad emotions. Remember that no matter how you decide to spend this day- it's your choice and no one should try to influence you. If you find it hard to talk with other family members, tell them about how you feel about this big day and a big trigger. Don't be scared to tell that you maybe want to be alone and that you don't have strength to talk and spend time with others. 


2. Their birthday. The birthday of your beloved child that has now passed away will be another big trigger and it won't be easy to get through this day. And while some bereaved parents say that they rather spend an entire day at the graveyard with their beloved angel child, the others told me that they tend to bake a cake and spend time with family members, like it's a true birthday party. It's okay to do whatever suits you and your family members - never compare your grief and behavior related to the grieving process with others. 


3. Christmas, Easter, or any other holiday where family is supposed to be together. Yes, holidays can be a burden, especially when everyone around is celebrating something, having fun, and expecting you to behave the same. Commercials are also toxic and you may feel like there's something wrong with you because you are not feeling excited about the holidays like once before.

In this period, you may even find yourself jealous, looking at the other families who are having a great time together

I'm sending you a big hug - and promise that this feeling won't last forever. 


4. The first day of school. If you've lost your child when they were very little, watching other children growing up may be a huge challenge. The first day of school reminds you that your child isn't here anymore and that they weren't able to continue and live their life. You will probably wonder what they would do if they were still here, how they would look like, what would you do together and so on. 


5. Friends having big and important dates in life. When you lose a child, you'll realize how much energy you may need just to continue living a so-called normal daily life. People may invite you to their homes, when they celebrate their children's birthdays, or many will expect that you're capable into being a part of some important events in their lives. For a while, I was trying to act normal and was attending big dates of other people and their children, but within a year I've realized how bad that affects me. I would be sick, literally physically and mentally, a few days after the event.

After about 5 years of loss, I was able to go to the events of others and enjoy those once again, but not before that period of time has passed. Be open about your feelings and tell them that you're not able to attend the parties or similar events you are invited to. If those are your close people, they will understand. It would be actually normal that they think about your feelings, but I tell you that you cannot expect much from people - yet don't let they influence you in a way you don't like. 

Be strict about the things you allow and don't allow while trying to heal. 


Can you name some other big dates that represent big triggers for you and other bereaved parents you may know? 

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